Wednesday, April 15th

Monday the earth stood still. Tuesday it began to slowly move again. Today..it sped up.

On Monday, one of the doctors confirmed to my mother that there is nothing that they can do. They presume the cancer has spread much further than they know, he is not a candidate for chemo and their goal at that point was to make him comfortable. Something must have clicked in Daddy's head and he just broke -- started refusing treatment of any kind. Wouldn't keep the mask (oxygen) on. My mother panicked -- she felt like he was giving up....she called my sister and I over to the hospital. After some talking and calming down of them both, we chalked it up to a small temper tantrum -- which given his current condition, he is well within his right to have.

Tuesday, more of the same -- but with some greater clairty for my mother. She needed to make a decision - WE needed to make a decision. Bring him home or leave him there -- we all agreed to bring him home with hospice.

Today, a small change in plans -- he has gone to a hospice house for a pre transition. He will stay there for a few days -- getting plans together, getting my mother together, getting her ready to transition so that she is in a better space for daddy to make his. He is combative -- arguing -- he's slipping away.

I think that has broken me most so far. My daddy is slipping away. It's only today just occured to me. How crazy is that.

I cried myself to sleep tonight...till my sister phoned a few minutes ago to talk about the evening ..she was on her way home. If she only knew how thankful I am that she is strong -- while momma and I are so..lost. It was only earlier today that I told someone I knew that my emotions had not caught up with me yet and they would....guess that they are starting.

So I end today with the knowledge that they think we're down to weeks-- 1 to 2-- before he leaves this earth for his next destination...I want to believe with everything left in my being that it's God's will and that we will all go through this and that we are the ones that are suffering-- because he's going on to a much better place where he won't be in pain and he won't suffer and he can breath deep and be free...but man, my heart just can't catch up to my head. I'm not ready to lose my daddy -- I'm not. I'm just not ready yet.